It was a dark and stormy gerbil: Writing a love scene or How not to

Courtesy of my friend and colleague, Aimee, the latest Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for bad writing. I had been contemplating a post on writing love scenes badly, but I think this takes the biscuit:

“For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss – a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.”

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/world/a-thirsty-gerbils-kiss-takes-out-the-best-bad-writing-of-2010-competition/story-e6frfkyi-1225886273210#ixzz0sJV1fGwL

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Catherynne Valente – Rules for Editing

Via the Bibliophile Stalker, this from Catherynne Valente (she of Palimpsest fame)  made me laugh and nod … this is my favourite line, but I’d suggest reading the whole damned thing:

I cannot begin to understand the logic that says: BORING STUFF UP FRONT, AWESOME TO THE BACK.

http://yuki-onna.livejournal.com/590003.html

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Today’s Drive-By: Kirstyn McDermott, Duchess of Darkness

Kirstyn McDermott’s work has won Aurealis Awards, Ditmars, been anthologised in Best Of collections and garnered Honorable Mentions from the likes of Ellen Datlow. Her first book, Madigan Mine, is out very, very soon. It should be purchased and read as soon as possible. She recently wed the very talented writer, Mr Jason Nahrung, which makes her precisely one half of a writing powerhouse. And she had an AWESOME wedding cake, make up of many cupcakes with spidery webby icing … like Miéville’s Construct Council, it was the Cupcake Council. Sure, it was a bit scary when it took to the dance floor ….

Here, she answers my random questions. No coercion was exercised at all. Really.

1. What makes a character irresistible?
Foremost, they have to feel *real*. I need to believe they could step off the page, that they have a life beyond the page and aren’t there simply to carry a plot along, or serve an author’s whim for self-indulgence or social commentary. I like to be surprised by characters – to have them say or do something I didn’t expect, but which is still something I can believe they would say or do. Because this is what happens in real life, after all. No matter how well you might think you know a person, the best people always surprise you.
 
As for the specifics of irresistibility, for me, I’m attracted to characters with flaws and ambiguities and complications. I’m certainly more interested in darker characters, but not those who are purely evil or villainous – because anything 100% pure ends up being 100% boring and predictable. Again, that comes down to a character feeling real. No one is completely bad or completely good, and a storyteller who relies on such narrative clichés to flesh out characters is a lazy storyteller.
 
The character ensemble that never fails to blow me away is that in the short-lived Firefly televisions series (along with the later Serenity movie). Joss Whedon gives us characters who are beautifully-formed, tragically-flawed *people*. They have dark secrets and pasts they would rather leave behind. They make mistakes, they are capable of behaving badly as well as with honour and grace. They’re the sort of characters you would happily call your friends – even if it might get you killed one day. And all of that makes them completely irresistible! 
 
2. How do you react to rejections?
Rejections used to bother me terribly when I first started submitting my fiction around the place, though I never would have let anyone know it. Each one made me feel as though this idea I had of being a writer was a waste of time, that my writing would never be good enough, that I might as well give up. The feeling would last about a day, maybe two if it was a particularly bad rejection. Then I’d start writing again, and resolve to one day be able to rub the rejecting editor’s nose in my inevitable, glittering success. Obviously, I was a little high-strung.
 
I’m more sanguine now. I know that rejections are simply part of the business of writing, and that there are many, many reasons why an editor will reject a submitted piece. I also have a lot more confidence in my abilities as a writer. Rejections are still disappointing – especially if they’re from a market where I particularly wanted to be accepted – but they’re a lot easier to shrug off. I guess that difference is that I no longer take rejections so personally. It also helps that I’m a much better judge of my own work and where it could be best placed, so my acceptance-to-rejection ratio has become more satisfying in recent years.
 
Of course, I’ve been too busy to submit anything new anywhere for well over a year now, so it remains to be seen how sanguine I remain when it’s time to jump on the treadmill again. 
  
3. The big advantage of being married to another talented writer is …
 … being able to talk about writing. It sounds obvious, but it really is so invaluable to be able to mull over writerly stuff with someone who understand what you’re trying to say, whose eyes don’t glaze over within five minutes, and who is able to give targeted feedback and advice when needed. Plus, we get to incorporate all sorts of writer-nerd stuff into the general relationship shorthand. Jason made line-editing references part of his wedding vows – how can you not love that? 
 
4. I first knew I was a writer when …
 … I finished a story that felt completely my own. A story that didn’t seem as though I was trying to write *like* someone else, the way one of my favourite writers would have done it. In retrospect, it isn’t a very good story but it was mine, and it was the first time that I really felt that I was a *writer*, that it was possible for me one day to have a *writing career* of some sort. Of course, the doubt-certainty rollercoaster is not something you ever get to step off. There have been many, many times over the years when I’ve been convinced that I know nothing at all about writing, that everything I do is derivative and pointless, and I’m sure I’ll feel this way from time to time for the rest of my life. But then something happens – I’ll write a story that just feels *right* or something I have written will get accepted for publication or nicely reviewed – and, bang, I *know* I’m writer again. Always have been, always will be. I just have to try and remember that. 
  
5. Donuts (or doughnuts) or danishes?
Donuts. Either the plain old cinnamon and sugar variety, or else jam-filled. Noms!

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Ditmar Voting

(snurched from Jason Fischer)

Looks like it’s time for Ditmar voting again. As this is the year of AussieCon4, it’s a great chance to showcase some antipodean talent.

Tehani Wessely is compiling a list, checking it twice, for eligible Aussies – it lives here https://spreadsheets.google.com/ccc?key=0AhAUWipZqrNWdFljalBZWmJwSnc1cTJVT2s0ZnlMLVE&hl=en_GB#gid=0

It also seems I have four stories eligible:

Frozen
Light as Mist, Heavy as Hope
Words
The Girl with No Hands

Other awesome eligibles include LL (Lisa Hannett), Jason Fischer, Peter Ball, Cat Sparks, Chris Greene, Deborah Biancotti, Felicity Dowker, Dirk Flinthart, Alan, Baxter, Garth Nix, Kirstyn McDermott, Gillian Polack, Kaaron Warren, Laura Goodin, Jenny Blackford, Lee Battersby, Kathleen Jennings, Lezli Robyn (also a Campbell nominee this year), Sean Williams, Steph Campisi, Tansy Rayner Roberts, Thoraiya Dyer, and Trent Jamieson.

Nominations can be made here http://ditmars.sf.org.au/2010/nominations.html and the rules live here http://wiki.sf.org.au/2010_Ditmar_eligibility_list

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Tiny Drops

Here’s something I’m very happy to post: the new Midnight Echo is out, guest edited by Lee Battersby … and containing a creepy story I lurve. L L Hannett’s Tiny Drops is seeing the light of day … the kicking the proverbial out of the light of day and stealing its wallet.

This story started out at Clarion South in 09 and it is awesome to see it published!!

There are also stories by Clarion South 07 alums, Daniel Braum and Chris Greene, as well a poetry from the lovely Jenny Blackford.

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Madigan Mine – Trailery Goodness

Pretty and creepy: two thumbs up! And several toes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8k6JarMwtB4

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There is nothing that cannot be improved by the addition of bacon …

Thank you, ThinkGeek.com, thank you. 

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/squeez-bacon.html

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Varuna – New Opps for Short Story Writers

Varuna the Writers’ House has partnered with Scribe to offer the following:

Varuna Announces Two New Opportunities for Short Story Writers

Varuna is proud to partner Scribe Publications in two new programs aimed at presenting, exploring and extending the range of short story writing in Australia.

The programs are open to writers resident in Australia. Writers are invited to apply for one or both programs:

• The Varuna/NAS National Short Story Competition
• The Varuna/Scribe Masterclass: Exploring the Short Story, with Cate Kennedy and Robin Hemley

The Varuna/NAS National Short Story Competition seeks short stories for possible inclusion in Scribe’s short story anthology. The anthology, to be published in 2011, is the second in Scribe’s New Australian Stories series. New Australian Stories 2.0 will showcase a rich diversity of short stories by contemporary Australian writers.

The Varuna/Scribe Masterclass is an intensive six-day residential program to help writers extend their knowledge of this perennially novel and vital medium. Activities include discussions, readings and practical work, with participants editing one of their short stories and starting a new one. The masterclass will be led by two respected short story writers. Robin Hemley, writing professor with the University of Iowa’s renowned writing program, has written stories and essays that have appeared in many anthologies and literary journals. Cate Kennedy is an award-winning short story writer, with an acclaimed short story collection, Dark Roots.

For more information, click here.There are also heaps of other opps – go here http://varuna.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&catid=48:what-we-offer-writers&id=129:griffithreviewessaymasterclass to have a look!

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I still hate e-readers …

… but even I must admit this is kewl: The Moleskin Kindle Cover.

http://mhpbooks.com/mobylives/?p=16060

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This Week’s Drive-by: Karen Miller

Karen Miller is a best-selling Australian fantasy author. She brought back the duopoly (take that trilogies!) … then she wrote some trilogies, too, and they were awesome (take that, duopolies!). Her work includes the Kingmaker, Kingbreaker duopoly, the Godspeaker Trilogy, two Stargate SG1 tie-ins, three Star Wars novels (including Stealth, which has just gone for a third printing), and, as KE Mills, the Rogue Agent series. The Reluctant Mage is now available and the Orbit mass market edition of Wizard Squared is coming soon. She has a Masters in Children’s Literature, used to run her own sf/fantasy/mystery bookshop, and is a self-described ‘story junkie’. She is also very nice … and I don’t say that just because she answered my questions.

1. I first knew I was going to be a writer when …
Hmm.  I don’t honestly know that I knew, as such. I know I knew I loved storytelling as far back as primary school, with all the composition exercises.  And I know that when I performed the skit I wrote for the Year 12 farewell in high school I got a buzz from making an entire hall full of students laugh. And again, when a theatre full of patrons laughed at a one act play I wrote, I knew that touching people with my words was the thing I wanted to do most of all. So I always wanted it, but it wasn’t really until I got my first major contract in 2005 that I started to believe it could really happen. Five years and fifteen novels under my belt later, I still have some trouble believing it! I keep expecting to wake up.

 2. Complete this sentence: Star Wars could only be improved by the addition of a …. 
… definitive dvd release of the original version, because Han Shot First, dammit!!!!

3. What are your writing fetishes? i.e. what can’t you do without for writing purposes?
I need peace and quiet and darkness, which is why my preferred writing time is through the night. That gets tough with animals, so I have to do my best recreating the conditions with a small room with the windows covered and one low level lamp on. I also prefer soundtrack music playing. Can’t have words in it, I get distracted. Basically, because I’m so easily distracted, I need as much sensory deprivation as I can create. I have, in extremis, written in places like airport waiting lounges and hotel lobbies, but that is so not what I prefer.

4. How many rejection slips papered your walls?
None on the walls. Not so many at all, really. I think maybe 5 all up. I got very, very lucky, and pitched my first fantasy novel to the right person in the right place at the right time.

5. Donuts (or doughnuts) or danishes?
Neither! Coming from a diabetes-prone family, and being really carb sensitive, I have to forgo most yummy sweet treats. On rare occasions I’ll do some cheesecake, or a piece of pecan pie. I still have dreams about the pecan pie I ate once, in Chicago. If anyone’s ever in that great city track down Heaven on Seven. Great little restaurant with pecan pie to die for.

Karen’s website is here http://www.karenmiller.net/

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